Leaving my now ex wife was the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.
She wasn’t always a bad person and perhaps she isn’t now, but I wouldn’t know. I learned about seven years prior to meeting her that if I didn’t take care of me first then I couldn’t take care of anyone else but somewhere within my marriage and pregnancy I lost sight of who I was and taking care of me.
Not saying that my ex wasn’t toxic because she was. She was jealous because I spent more time worried about me and the baby not dying during the pregnancy than I did spoiling her. She was jealous when she thought I spent too much money on her son. She claimed to love my activism but thought that everything in the world was supposed to stop for her. Overall she just wasnt the one for me.
When I was six months pregnant my ex accompanied me to my ultrasound. I remember the lady showing me how perfect my baby girl was and I just burst out in tears. The baby and I were both gonna make it, but I never wanted to bring a child into a chaotic relationship and I cried even harder. I was emotionally exhausted, married and still alone.
The week that I left was hard. I went over my decision time and time again on whether leaving was the right thing to do and if it was the right time. And it hurt to walk away from a marriage because nobody goes into a marriage thinking that they’re gonna get divorced, and there would never be a perfect time. I thought about my daughter but living with my ex was unbearable and even put my daughters well being in jeopardy so she watched me as I packed my friends truck and took my Baby Birdie and left.
Sitting on the train, headed back to Philly reading a book by Common a little over a year later and I look up and see a million little lights from the sun reflecting off of the sequins on my shirt and I smiled at the simple amazement of it. Simple and beautiful at the same time. And I felt really really good in that moment.
The hardest thing Ive ever had to do was walk away from my marriage..no matter what she or anyone thinks it wasnt easy and I didnt just bounce back. Whether I was able to move and live life had no bearing on that fact that I was emotionally scarred, still loving my wife and just raw in my feelings. And I didnt wanna be. I wanted it to be all over. I wanted the hurt to magically go away. I just wanted these feelings and all of this nonsense to make sense. The woman I loved would never return and the woman I was before the seperation had disappeared too. Pain changed me and I cant say that it was better or worse. It was just a drastic change.
Leaving was the best thing that I’ve ever done. I felt a weight lift as soon as I left. It took all of a few days for me to start a new life. In the first six months away from my ex wife I moved on, I worked, I refocused. I began to get back to me. I took care of me. I nurtured me. I loved on my Baby Birdie and enjoyed the world being a single mother.
Its been two years and I’m so much better for all of the decisions that I’ve made and I just told a friend that happy momma birds have happy birdies.
Although it may be scary and hard sometime its so worth it. I was worth it and YOU are worth it!