Leaving

Leaving my now ex wife was the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done.

She wasn’t always a bad person and perhaps she isn’t now, but I wouldn’t know. I learned about seven years prior to meeting her that if I didn’t take care of me first then I couldn’t take care of anyone else but somewhere within my marriage and pregnancy I lost sight of who I was and taking care of me.

Not saying that my ex wasn’t toxic because she was. She was jealous because I spent more time worried about me and the baby not dying during the pregnancy than I did spoiling her. She was jealous when she thought I spent too much money on her son. She claimed to love my activism but thought that everything in the world was supposed to stop for her. Overall she just wasnt the one for me.

When I was six months pregnant my ex accompanied me to my ultrasound. I remember the lady showing me how perfect my baby girl was and I just burst out in tears. The baby and I were both gonna make it, but I never wanted to bring a child into a chaotic relationship and I cried even harder. I was emotionally exhausted, married and still alone.

The week that I left was hard. I went over my decision time and time again on whether leaving was the right thing to do and if it was the right time. And it hurt to walk away from a marriage because nobody goes into a marriage thinking that they’re gonna get divorced, and there would never be a perfect time. I thought about my daughter but living with my ex was unbearable and even put my daughters well being in jeopardy so she watched me as I packed my friends truck and took my Baby Birdie and left.

Sitting on the train, headed back to Philly reading a book by Common a little over a year later and I look up and see a million little lights from the sun reflecting off of the sequins on my shirt and I smiled at the simple amazement of it. Simple and beautiful at the same time. And I felt really really good in that moment.

The hardest thing Ive ever had to do was walk away from my marriage..no matter what she or anyone thinks it wasnt easy and I didnt just bounce back. Whether I was able to move and live life had no bearing on that fact that I was emotionally scarred, still loving my wife and just raw in my feelings. And I didnt wanna be. I wanted it to be all over. I wanted the hurt to magically go away. I just wanted these feelings and all of this nonsense to make sense. The woman I loved would never return and the woman I was before the seperation had disappeared too. Pain changed me and I cant say that it was better or worse. It was just a drastic change.

Leaving was the best thing that I’ve ever done. I felt a weight lift as soon as I left. It took all of a few days for me to start a new life. In the first six months away from my ex wife I moved on, I worked, I refocused. I began to get back to me. I took care of me. I nurtured me. I loved on my Baby Birdie and enjoyed the world being a single mother.

Its been two years and I’m so much better for all of the decisions that I’ve made and I just told a friend that happy momma birds have happy birdies.

Although it may be scary and hard sometime its so worth it. I was worth it and YOU are worth it!

Zodiac Signs…

When you first meet someone most likely one of the first 20 questions are what’s your sign. So I have to ask and I need some feedback. Does the sign really matter?

I can argue this both ways and say that if two people are meant to be together they will be together regardless but then there’s the “Me” who has learned her lesson. Sadly Cancers aren’t really my people. Although friendships can form they’ve all ended over something simple…like we don’t see eye to eye. And relationships can be hot and heavy but as a Capricorn in conflict with a Cancer we handle things way too differently.

I totally see that there are signs that are “for Me” and that’s awesome. Virgos, Taurus and Aquarius are my people. I’m still on the fence with Sagittarius but we shall see.

My baby birdies are Virgo and Sagittarius. My son is a Virgo and is calm and cool and has been like that since birth. My Sagittarius daughter is a beast shes fiesty, opionated and strong but she hasn’t quite mastered listening, but what toddler has.

I’ve dated plenty of signs but the toxic two for me were Aries and Cancer so I never dated either sign again. Yes, I know that birth charts play into this a lot but most people don’t know anything about birth chart reading so that’s another story.

So tell me does a persons zodiac sign matter?

Fix the problem…not the symptoms.

Black Lives Matter doesn’t mean that nobody elses does. It simply means that we need to be the focus of justice right now. We need the help and we need to speak out. We know all lives matter we don’t doubt that at all.

Please take a step out of your race for just a second and think. What if your child was murdered by law enforcement (whether they did something or not) wouldn’t you want justice? Would you not want to investigate and be angry and hurt enough to burn down the world.

Some of you people really need to get over yourselves. Its not about you right now. It can’t always be about you. Sit the f*ck down, we’ll get to your issues later.

-a Mommy Bird-

Day 6…

Today on Day 6…the 6th day after George Floyd was brutally murdered in daylight by 4 cops in Minneapolis..

Today I see protests around the world. Businesses on fire, government buildings vandalized. I see a collective group of people trying to be heard.

Law enforcements is supposed to protect and serve but who are they protecting besides themselves. We all seen that man die in plain sight. Only one cop was arrested and his charges are laughable, the other three cops nobody had even cared about. They should all be charged.

I know you’re wondering why exactly this is on my blog. I come from a law enforcement family….a black law enforcement family so Im seeing both sides of this fight.

My girlfriend is a shield and I fear for her safety. Although shes not near the protests here in our city people have me attacking law enforcement on their way to work. And although Im essential worker I will not be going to work.

I’ve feared for my sons life since he turned 14. By that time he was the size of most grown men. His skin makes him a threat. His size makes him a threat. Him being male makes him a threat.

George Floyd’s life mattered. Racism still exists. Police needs better training. Police need a better vetting process. Us POC need to come together now and forever. We need to hit them where it hurts. We need to support our own everything. We need to strengthen our communities and villages. We need good cops to turn in bad cops. We need people to stop ignoring our struggle. You don’t get to tell us how to act, grieve or react. We need our own everything. We need to have these conversations. Its a shame that people had to burn things down to get somebody attention. We need a change now. All 4 officers need jail time, real jail time.

Each day as a POC I will fear for my partner and my sons life. That is my reality.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. My girlfriend was so happy when I told her. She said, “You can never leave me now.”

This dream made me happy and sad. I was so happy in the dream that she was happy. But then the sadness of needing a hysterectomy popped up. Even she was sad when I told her that we know a pragnancy isn’t gonna happen.

I wish I could give her everything in the world that she wants but sadly this may not be something that I can fix or give.

Just Imagine…

**let me start by saying that this isn’t my photo so I do not own rights to this image. This image was made into a meme that I found on social media**

Before having my daughter I came across this picture and I couldn’t imagine not having another child.

Being told that you’re gonna lose your uterus… no matter what people say, is a big deal. Losing any physical part of yourself or feeling like you’re losing your womanhood is a BIG DEAL. Telling someone to get over something that’s traumatic to them makes you an insensitive a**hole.

I feel like losing my uterus would make me less of a woman. I was told that if I was gonna have another child to start trying in the next 2 months so that infertility didn’t catch up with me. Adenomyosis was surely cutting off my chances to reproduce.

Three months after my diagnosis I got pregnant with my little egg/my baby Birdie and although it was a complicated pregnancy she and I are both here.

I used to look at this picture and wish this was me and Im so grateful to have had my children. #MomOfTwo

Sidenote: I actually wrote this p

How YOU treat people.

I heard someone say this today.. In relationships people focus too much on how they’re treated that they don’t focus on how they’re treating the other person.

If you treat the other person the way they need to be treated then they will focus on how you need to be treated. Take yourself out of the center.

I feel lile this is absolutely true. If you’re being a good person to someone then most likely they’ll be a good person to you.

Sidenote: I said most likely because Im not delusional and some people really are just jerks.

My son and the Class of 2020

If there’s a high school senior in your life, give them a hug, pray for them send them love and light. To them, the cancellation of school is not a vacation. It’s wasted time they don’t get to spend with their friends the last few months before they graduate.

They’re anxious, realizing they may never be able to take the floor/field again with their best friends and hear their name called on senior night. They’re sad hearing their senior trip or prom they’ve been waiting on all year might get cancelled. They’re nervous that they may not be able to walk the stage and get the diploma they have been working hard on for 12 years. Show them support and love them during these hard times. #classof2020 ❤️❤️

May the Fourth..

Today my social media memories reminded me that 1 year ago today I started actually dating again. I actually left my house and went on a dinner and movie date with someone that I thought that I had some good things in common with.

Technically the date would have been awesome but right before the date I had second thoughts. I can and will officially go on the record and say that it didn’t work out with me really knowing her before this date. She was late picking me up….like 2 hours late. At dinner she asked me about my ex wife and how “that” was going. That particular convo was short lived and I ended up changing the subject.

The movie was a good one and we both enjoyed it so that was a plus. One of us bought tickets and the other bought snacks. Afterwards we even got caught in the rain and had to run to the car and then she kissed me. I felt absolutely nothing. No spark, no fizzle, no nothing.

So after that day I decided to take some more time and wait it out on dating.